Discouraged by my wife

[52dno98]

So I thought my wife was aware of me wearing briefs to swim laps in, until I mentioned it last night and she was not. I guess in our previous conversation she'd thought I was referring to jammers.

To put it mildly, she was both shocked and disgusted. "Are you not ashamed?" she asked. I said that I wasn't, that they're more comfortable for swimming, and I frankly didn't care what other people thought. She asked me not to wear them for her sake, saying something like, "I don't want you to be 'the weird speedo guy' at the gym." She suggested that for the sake of vanity I should stick to jammers. [And as I've said in another post I haven't seen any other lap swimmers at my gym in briefs.]

It was pretty discouraging.

I mean, this is a little bit of a preaching to the choir situation- I have no doubt that you'll all encourage me to ignore her comments, but I'm afraid that to keep her happy I might have to scrap the idea of wearing in public (as the saying goes, "happy wife, happy life").

[Scottiebum]

That is a pity.
I thought it might have been ok for you to wear them when she was not around.

[rmf]

Simply, That sucks. "Ashamed" is a pretty harsh word.

I am the last person to give advice or to tell you to ignore her comments but If I was put into that situation - unless my wife is there in the pool swimming with me, I would still wear them but just not make it a point to talk about it. For me, gym time is 'my time' and we make it a point not to go at the same time (even if we could due to schedule). If it were ever to come up again in my conversation with her, I would simply say it's not worth talking about it and basically brush it off.

Side question, did you tell her you think you are the only one at the gym that wears them? Just because you have not seen others wearing them, it doesn't mean other men don't wear them. Trust me on that point. I go to the gym afternoons and evenings (4x's a wk) and sometimes I see almost every guy wearing them and then go for 2 weeks where no one is wearing them.

For what ever it's worth, I also get the need to keep her happy. However, it might just be a matter of her getting use to the idea. I found this true within my circle of friends. I normally don't talk about it unless it comes up but if it does, I don't hold back. With my old friends, I think at first some of them were first surprised (and maybe disapproving) but eventually came around to not really caring (at least a handful of them grew up swimming on teams so I think it helps them get over it quickly). To new folks I meet, I don't hold back from saying that I do if the topic would ever come up (which surprisingly it often does when you tell a person that your normal workout routine is swimming). I figured if they know upfront, it won't be a surprise later down the road. I know it is a completely different situation for me since my wife doesn't care and I have a son who will wear nothing but briefs or square cut swimsuits.

Wish you the best of luck & don't give up on the idea just yet 52dno98.

[Bullseye]

Hey 52,

sorry to hear about your wife discouraging you. I know the feeling, although my wife tolerates me wearing them for laps at the gym, and even seems to enjoy me in them when it is just the two of us. (Which, by the way, is about the only time she will wear a bikini. So she is consistent in her modesty.)

If you've read my previous posts on this topic you know I value a good relationship with my wife over the freedom to wear speedos. So, I, for one, will not tell you to ignore her. But maybe you can work with her. I am not sure the type of relationship that you have with her, but can you talk to her about why she seems to care more about what people think than your preference for swimming wear? You might want to say you are willing to give them up for her, but that it bothers you that she cares so much about what others think over how you feel. [Why are spandex for bikes and jammers okay? They both show bulge, and many feel the same way about them as speedos. It is just that more people use them, so there is no stigma?] Give it some time, bring it up from time to time. Try to make her as happy as possible. If there is something she does that bothers you some, but you give her the freedom to do it because you love her, make the analogy so so can see where you are coming from.

In the end, you have to decide if it is a battle worth fighting. I feel for you, I really do.

[52dno98]

Thanks for the comments so far, guys. I love my wife and this isn't necessarily a battle I'm willing to dig my heels in about. We live in the south, which is very culturally conservative (I would never in a million years tell anyone at work that I don't attend church and am a Democrat, for example), so a lot of her attitude is shaped by where we live.

But also, I think I might just continue swimming in briefs anyway and be discreet with her about it. She and I don't go to the gym at the same time, and the lap pool is pretty private- there's such a small percentage of the membership that goes to swim laps that it shouldn't matter what I wear there.

But, sadly, I think I can give up on the idea that I might someday visit a quiet beach with her and be free of sucky board shorts.

[Dash]

I think your inclination to keep swimming in speedos and being discreet about it is the best.

The bottom line is that you probably aren't the "weird speedo guy". For one, the only time anyone gets a good look at your suit is when entering or exiting the pool so despite some exhibitionist fantasies a lap pool is actually not a great way to show off. Provided you're not wearing a purple mesh snakeskin print swim thong with a cock ring no one can reasonably complain about your workout attire. Keep up with what works for you and I bet you'll see a few other guys make the switch from jammers.


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[PNWGuy]

Briefs are for swimming. My wife has never seen me in anything else in the nearly 35 years we've been together. We met in Nebraska, not exactly a liberal bastion. But we're both outdoors people and dated in my canoe, including going skinny dipping together. I'd say to wear what you want but don't make a big deal of it.

[Red^^Speedo]

I bet it's her peer pressure.

Most American women in groups are obligated to go "ewwwwww" in unison, whenever the topic of men in Speedos comes up.

She doesn't want to hear " ewwwww" from her friends, if the topic of your lap swimming comes up.

[briefs55]

Red's comments just above are insightful, and I am struck by what you quoted her saying in your first post. If you apply some basic counseling insight about communication and feelings, it might be interesting to work on sharing and validating each others feelings rather than arguing about the logical merits of the situation. Eventually you might share that it hurts a little bit to be told how you should feel rather than having her seem to care how you actually feel. But more importantly, it could be an opportunity for her to hear that you want hear and understand more the emotions this creates for her. "Please tell me what emotions you have..." If she is able to get in touch with the fear of "ewwwww" from her friends, or if she could get in touch with what other scary emotions your briefs trigger (like maybe is this a clue that you're gay and her marriage is thus in jeopardy?), then it could be a great opportunity for you to validate those emotions and express compassion for her. I do so empathize with you - I have been there too.

[speedo1967]

This summer I decided to wear my Speedo in the back yard. Wife does not like my taste. She said it is too skimpy. That is the idea. Why can women bikinis but a man gets viewed like he is from another planet when he wears a speedo style swimsuit?

[52dno98]

Why can women bikinis but a man gets viewed like he is from another planet when he wears a speedo style swimsuit?

Funny story- yesterday my wife was going to hot yoga, and pulled on short shorts- equivalent to a man's square cut- and says, aloud, "F**k it, I'm going to wear these yoga booty shorts and I don't care who sees me in them." I immediately said, "if you're wearing those then you can't say shit about me wearing a speedo!" And she responded, "no... Just... No. They're tacky [that is, speedos] and they show off your genitals." I pointed out that you could see the rough shape of her genitals, too, and that she was demonstrating a double standard. This was a pretty light hearted disagreement, but I hope she took the point that I called her out on a pretty big error in thinking.

[MRspeedoman]

Thanks for sharing that 52, I am proud that you pointed out that double standard! I applaud you for doing that. You have the right whatever you feel comfortable in!

I am sorry that you are feeling discouraged by your wife. I feel for you, because I would get the most off the wall comments from my family even over family gatherings! Furthermore, I even got accused by my parents that I am "in the closet" all because I wear Speedos.

I have noticed that everyone who is uncomfortable with us men wearing Speedos are (1) Have a problem with themselves (2) easier to "give in" to peer pressure. I still continue to wear all of my Speedos, regardless of the cut and colour. No matter how many naysayers are out there, we are the ones who are wearing it and being looked at when we swim.

[Swimbrieffetish]

But Jammers, Square cuts or Speedos show your gentials. Only real difference is on tyne coverage of your legs.

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[_su_]

52dno98, I've been in your shoes somewhat. As my swimsuits progressed from just above the knee (at the time I met my wife), to above mid-thigh (at my wife's suggestion), my wife began saying not to get any suits that showed my parts or even an impression in the material. Like you, I began going to exercise without her (albeit running on the beach instead of swimming), wearing a speedo or short square cut. But when we went together to the beach, I'd wear my above mid-thigh short suits. Finally one time we went to the beach and I just pulled em off, revealing the short square cut Aussiebums underneath (wonderjock even!) and told her I had been jogging in them lately. Ultimately, I think the fact that no one usually seems to notice, that I look normal in them, and that I seemed to be pretty happy in them led her to accepting them. I think her fear was that she (being a woman) would not be able to compete with a man who might try to get my attention, despite my having no interest in men. Patterns of any kind (anything by Neptune Scepter), anything remotely transparent (light colored Aussiebums), or too low cut in the back, and she says she'll have to beat the gay men off me (phrasing!). My point being, that if your wife is of the same mindset as mine was, it might require a more gradual approach, and for her to see how happy it makes you and that no one notices you for wearing something entirely appropriate for swimming.

I'm glad you called her out on the yoga shorts. As someone who has practiced a lot of yoga in studios, while I would encourage her attitude of not worrying how she looks, it's extremely impolite to wear revealing clothing that distracts others (i.e. tacky). They're also impractical, especially compared to speedos for swimming.

[swimmy]

My wife absolutely loves that I wear brief swimsuits, but seems to prefer that I run around completely naked. At home, anyway. Speedo at the pool is pretty standard for me. At the lake is a different story, those midnight swims and "double moon" skinny dips just happen.

[hpfny]

To be frank, swim briefs are made for men to swim more streamlined in, where as a two-piece swim bikini was made for women to be able to expose more skin because bikinis are NOT more streamlined than a one-piece bathing suit which female swimmers use. Basically, when someone sees a female wearing a two-piece swim bikini, they're wearing something that was designed solely for sex appeal.

If someone sees a male wearing swim briefs, the first thought usually is that they probably know how to swim, OR take lessons because they are going against the norm of board shorts for functionality OR they're gay OR they're exhibitionists. Therefore, I believe the popular logic here in the USA (unfortunately) is that guys should wear board shorts if they're just simply going to slosh-around and horseplay in the water. Apparently, females are the only ones that have the "right" to sex appeal on the beach/pool and wear a two-piece swim bikini. Sad to say.

[MRspeedoman]

There is way too much hypocrisy that goes on, that is the problem with our society. Both men and women have every right to show off their sex appeal. While women shows off their juicy camel toes, busts, and legs; it is not different than men showing off their bulges, because we are built that way, right??????? I used to always fear wearing a Speedo due to how other people would look at me; including my family who are a bunch of prudes to begin with. I kept letting the power of others' opinions be the determination of what I wear because I used to think the cons outweighed the pros.

Until my mid-twenties, I realized that the reason the majority is like this, all because they gave in too much power to that "majority rules" mindset. I have always believed that the problem comes down to three things, confidence, acceptance, and fear. Having the confidence in oneself to overcome what other say, accept that there is always going to be something we won't like about our bodies, and fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.

Why I love to be apart of this community, we are all that small percentile that makes us all unique by going against the expectations of the public. That proves the public remains to be that shallow, where we are all judged by the cover we bear.

[Snowbrief]

I say, change into your speedo just before bed time, wear it to sleep in, and wake up next to her with just wearing your speedo, and have some fun one-on-one time....this should change her mind.....or back fire as she would want to keep that sexy speedo body all to herself, which actually might be her ultimate objective!

[hpfny]

This summer I decided to wear my Speedo in the back yard. Wife does not like my taste. She said it is too skimpy. That is the idea. Why can women bikinis but a man gets viewed like he is from another planet when he wears a speedo style swimsuit?

It's because for certain women, "Speedos" don't just feature a man's thighs, but they also feature more.....the "something else" supposedly. It's apparent that for certain women's standpoint, the man's bulge has more sexual connotations than a woman's nipples and camel-toe. Thighs and bulges happen to be even more revealed in "Speedos" because they're intended for men to swim more comfortably [(and for tanning or simply as an alternative swimwear choice for those who are able (or choose) to wear it] but not necessarily just to feature their "something else". That's women's preoccupation. What is a woman's 2-piece bikini supposed to feature?? To each his own.

[52dno98]

...I used to always fear wearing a Speedo due to how other people would look at me; including my family who are a bunch of prudes to begin with. I kept letting the power of others' opinions be the determination of what I wear because I used to think the cons outweighed the pros.

Until my mid-twenties, I realized that the reason the majority is like this, all because they gave in too much power to that "majority rules" mindset. I have always believed that the problem comes down to three things, confidence, acceptance, and fear. Having the confidence in oneself to overcome what other say, accept that there is always going to be something we won't like about our bodies, and fear is False Evidence Appearing Real.

BTW, I heard a radio piece this weekend that made me think of this discussion. "This American Life" on NPR had a piece by author Malcolm Gladwell about how some ideas- even good ones- never gain traction generally.

The specific example he used was how Wilt Chamberlain would have been a better all around NBA player if he'd adopted the "granny throw" for free throws; there was another contemporary player who did, Rick Barry, who had a 90% free throw percentage for his career (the highest in NBA history) and who tried to convince Wilt to throw that way, but Wilt was afraid of being mocked- the underhand shot is a "sissy" way to throw- and so Wilt Chamberlain continued the traditional, overhand technique and had an abysmal (less than 50%) average.

Gladwell said of Rick Barry, "his drive to be a better shooter is stronger than his worry about what others think of him," and that if you're the sort of person who readily adopts an unusual idea (like we are in this case), "you're someone who doesn't need the support or the approval or the company of others to do what you think is right."

Just like your thoughts on speedos, MRSpeedoman!