coming out/determining sexuality

[dakota1215]

hey everybody
I am in high school and I am not sure how to come out to my parents. I am either gay or bi, probably gay. Also, to make matters more complicated, there is a guy in my class who is gay, who sort of hints now and then to see if I am gay or straight but i never answer him. I like him, but he wont let me be friendly with him. Should I just go up on valentines day and spontaneously start making out with him in public, or should I try to get him alone somewhere? I am at a boarding school, so it is hard. Also, the guy in the room next to me who never usually talks to me came into my room the other week and asked if I would like to join the gay/straight alliance at my school. He comes in and talks to me more frequently now, and when he does he sort of hangs from the top of the doorframe, revealing a little crotch, etc.
I cant tell if he is coming on to me (he never had a girlfriend at the school and hes good friends with another gay guy at the school), or if he is trying to "out"me.
what should I do?

thanks much

[dakota1215]

oh yeah and speedos are the second hottest thing for me, the first is seeing a buff guy in a wetsuit that has a huge bulge. I used to go to swim stores and try on speedos, but I was too ashamed to be seen walking out from the dressing room with one, so i left them in there.

[bigjay]

Well Dakota, I am not sure what to tell you about coming out to your parents. I have not done it yet either. The only advice I have is if you feel them out or know that being gay does not bother them it might be better than you think. Myself I don't know if my dad will ever know, he hates gays and I am ashamed to say that. I wish he was more open about people. Anyway for me I know that I am bi because some women I still find attractive physically and would date and sex and what not. However I much perfer men so make your own judgement.
As for the guys at school. If you know for sure that the guy in class is gay and you find him attractive I would say go for it. However be careful, you do not want a guy who will tell everyone if you are not ready. For your first time kissing I might be in private to make it easier on you. As far as sex goes be very careful, if you find the post between Matt, Jace, and I about Jaces little brother you just need to be careful who you get in with. Some guys are just out to get some ass and then thats it.
Now this guy next store to you, I can not tell from what you are describing if I think he is really gay or just trying to pull a prank or something. I might just see if he makes the first move. Then you would know if he is or not. Figure out some way, like be bent over or something when he walks in or walk in his room when it is just him and hang from his doorframe to see what he does?
These are just my suggestions so be careful how you use them or anyones. Just stay safe with it and be careful.
Hopefully more guys on here might give some help.
BigJay

[SBR]

Hi Dakota, I think Bigjay has given you some good advice. Much better than I can give you, since I'm a str8 guy. I can say I don't mind gay people, because I have many friends who are. But it's important to remember, that people like myself are the exception. For some reason, people can accept gay women better than men. Why?, Could be the whole feminine thing I guess. Heck, can't figure out women anyway LOL. Anyway,like bigjay said "let the other person make the first move", as you don't want to put yourself in a potentially uncomfortable situation. Stay safe!

Oh yes, Welcome to the board!

[bigjay]

I forgot to say welcome too. SBR thanks for that. As for the women thing, I know guys love lesbians for whatever reason but if a guy is gay some guys are just so against it. My dad is one, and that is a reason he may not find out. He thinks my cousin being a lesbian is okay though, go figure.

[adam]

hey everybody
I am in high school and I am not sure how to come out to my parents. I am either gay or bi, probably gay. Also, to make matters more complicated, there is a guy in my class who is gay, who sort of hints now and then to see if I am gay or straight but i never answer him. I like him, but he wont let me be friendly with him. Should I just go up on valentines day and spontaneously start making out with him in public, or should I try to get him alone somewhere? I am at a boarding school, so it is hard. Also, the guy in the room next to me who never usually talks to me came into my room the other week and asked if I would like to join the gay/straight alliance at my school. He comes in and talks to me more frequently now, and when he does he sort of hangs from the top of the doorframe, revealing a little crotch, etc.
I cant tell if he is coming on to me (he never had a girlfriend at the school and hes good friends with another gay guy at the school), or if he is trying to "out"me.
what should I do?

thanks much

Hi Dakota,
Welcome to the board of fellow speedo lovers.
Before you decide to come out there are many organizations,that counld help you in this matter.
Why dont you talk to other guys that have come out first.I wounld be careful with this guy.
But deep down most parents know anyway,if you are of a different sexual orientation,there are always signs.
I came out ,but i can tell you it was not easy.But i personal,was not going to live a life hiding this.And i feel so much better in myself.
Take care dakota and be careful play safe
adam :D

[speedostl]

I was worried about coming out also. I did not do it till I was almost 30 Years old. I struggled with depression and hatred of myself for years. When I finally did it was like an enormous weight was lifted off me. My family didn't care and many of them had already figured it out anyway. I now have a boyfriend who lives with my and I love dearly and I am happier than I have ever been.

[adam]

I was worried about coming out also. I did not do it till I was almost 30 Years old. I struggled with depression and hatred of myself for years. When I finally did it was like an enormous weight was lifted off me. My family didn't care and many of them had already figured it out anyway. I now have a boyfriend who lives with my and I love dearly and I am happier than I have ever been.

Hi speedostl,
Its is hard to come out,and a very brave step,but at the end of the day you can be who you are,AND HAPPY IN YOURSELF.I know i am for coming out.
Take care Buddie
adam
New zealand :D

[speeder]

Hi and welcome Dakota. While you are uncertain with your sexuality and are still in high school, don't rush yourself. While you are trying to figure yourself out, the other fellow that you perceive to be gay is possibly going through the same thing. Don't do anything too forward in public because High School can be cruel and intolerant and you have to go there 5 days a week.
Go slow and be the best person you can be and you will be rewarded with a good group of understanding friends and maybe a b/f.

Cheers

[California Dolphin]

Hi Dakota1215:
I’ve been giving a lot of thought to your post and formulating an answer to what is a really complex question.

Although many people may characterize themselves as being either Gay or Str8, a person’s individual sexuality is rather difficult to define. Sexuality actually exists as a broad spectrum and most people rate somewhere between the two extremes of exclusively Gay and exclusively Str8 and statistics obtained through anonymous testing indicates that sexuality follows a “Bell Curveâ€

[nvseacreature]

Hello and I had to reply to this I am new here so it is takin some time for me to get the hang of how things work here. Youa a young man and I would give you my two cents worth. You need to always be careful what you do and who you open up to. It can be really tuff to come out in Highschool and the kids can be tuff on ya, your at a time when its eatiher really cool or and no one cares or they will torment ya and be cruel to you so you you need to be prepared for the outcome and my have to get a tuff hide. My rule of thumb is dont shit where you eat. it keeps a good perspective for me. You can look and read what we all say but its in your heart and soul to make you feel good about yourself, your a very young man and you should be sure what choices your making and what road you feel good in traveling. I hope you learn to enjoy yourself and enjoy your youth it is surly fleating. Good luck in what you decide. nvseacreature

[K]

Well you've heard everyone elses advice and its all good so I'll just keep mine short so as not to overwhelm you lol.

First off welcome! I hope to see more of you later on. Second off only you will know when your ready to tell your parents. For the longest time I struggled with being gay or straight especially since I thought it was agaisn't my religon. I was still struggling when I joined the board (see Salve! in the new members section). But you know what? Just loosen up, have a good time. give it time. Nobody can tell you who you are, only you. You'll figure it out mate.

As for the guy next door...

Next time he comes over ask him stuff about the gay/straight alliance. Ask him if he ever wants to hang together. Do it casually like, "oh hey, I'm going to see that new movie, wanna go?".

Ultimitly what I'm telling you mate is that only you know who you are and who your going to be so just give it time lad. You'll be fine.


If you ever have any questions just shoot me a PM

-K


(Oh, I still havn't told my parents and probably never will because they believe its agaisn't their religon and I'd rather not cause any conflict. But thats just me.)

[C]

Yeah, you're a young guy yet. You'll know when you know. Like K, I had to deal with a bunch of confusion. I pretty much know at this point, and a handful of others know. But I'll probably tell my parents only after I have my first experience with a guy. This isn't the kind of thing that I want to have to retract if I turn out to be wrong. I'm not too worried about that though. The confusion was much, much worse.

Oddly enough, I figured this out only through having a cute, cool girlfriend. We'd be in bed and I'd be fantasizing about going downstairs and fixing a sandwich. Or other friends of mine would pop into my fantasies. I liked her a lot but wanted anything but to have sex with her. That, and I like guys in speedos. Eventually it all came together and I figured out what was going on.

At the same time, don't feel pressured to force the situation. There's no rule that if you like guys, you need to mess around with every guy who asks. Things will happen one way or another in their own time, with someone that you respect and who respects you.

Good luck, man.

-C

[bigbiGambleD]

I forgot to say welcome too. SBR thanks for that. As for the women thing, I know guys love lesbians for whatever reason but if a guy is gay some guys are just so against it. My dad is one, and that is a reason he may not find out. He thinks my cousin being a lesbian is okay though, go figure.

I can share some knowledge from a friend of mine who told me once that guys dont like gay guys "because it makes them feel weird, but lesbians are ok or hot because str8 guys are attracted to girls anyway, so hot girls together is like twice the fun." Thats just what my friend told me, hope it helps

[California Dolphin]

Hi Dakota1215

Here’s an “illustratedâ€

[hotjunglekid]

cant

[hotjunglekid]

ok i found them and got the point.

[alexcat03]

Well, I dont know if I can be really helpful in this topic. I mean, I hear everywhere that u feel so great when u come out, but it's not that easy anyway. I just wonder how would I "suffer" the less, being in or out... or can u just choose not to suffer??

I actually came out this year to my best friend (female) and my sister (yeah, kinda weird), and since a lot of time, I came out with my best male friend, 'cause actually he turned out to be gay.
I used to think that sexuality determines who u are, but actually not, is just a small part of yourself, which doesn't change anything, but somehow disturbs a lot of people. I just think that, while times goes by, u start knowing yourself, what do u want and who u are, to actually be ready to accept yourself. And by accepting urself I dont mean to tell everyone "hey Im bi" or "Im gay", it's just to go out with a guy, make out with him, fuck him and just don't care about what others think, 'cause it's actually YOUR LIFE, not theirs. When I get old, I don't wanna regret about all the things I DIDNT DO 'cause of what other people would think...

Prob I said too much, and maybe it seems I already know what I want, but not, I'm bi and Im still afraid of coming out... but one day it will be easier. It is said "True always comes out" (or sth like that lol)
Take care!

[...:::sam:::...]

As a boarder, tread very very carefully. ive seen it in the house once when I was in yr8 with the seniors and never ever ever said a word. It was way too risky.

[Justin88]

but if i do come out to him im sure everybody at uni and swim team will know so ive got to hold back. i feel kinda by myself and its not so good.

First I have to say that Im not experienced. And its honest to say that I am bi and I shared that with someone at work who is gay. Where I work is very GLBT friendly. There are at least four gay people out of 20. And the people that arent gay are cool about it. My family is religious and I dont talk to them about it. At least not yet. I also dont go to college yet. I would be real careful about telling people anything where you go to school. I had a friend who told someone at his college he was gay and they told a lot of other people. He became like an outcast and people were mean to him. He wasnt ready for that. He was miserable and got depressed. Almost quit. So be careful. Oh BTW, your body is awesome. I wish I was as strong and on the swim team like you.

Take care,

-j-j